Dream On

For anyone who has experienced some kind of deep hurt - be it betrayal, abandonment, distrust - it feels both safe and necessary to exist in a plane of survival. And when we are in this survival mode, we very rarely give a second thought to things like dreams. If you've experienced any sort of trauma, I'm sure this isn't a foreign concept to you. When we are in the throes of trauma or adversity, we are making our life as small and manageable as possible. Think about it from it from this perspective: you are running a marathon; it's hot as hell outside, you're starting to feel exhausted, and you still have 5 miles to go until you're at the finish line. You aren't out here trying to expend any more energy than you absolutely have to in that moment. That's what surviving trauma feels like. It constantly feels like the finish line is out of reach and like we are doing everything in our power to reach it.

First thing's first: what is your finish line? What is the thing you are striving to reach? For me it has been this elusive idea of "being healed". I can imagine that there are many others who can relate to this desire to be healed after having faced some sort of bone-aching hurt. As I've looked forward to being healed, I have discarded anything "extra" that might get in the way of this target. That means that, at times, I have foregone things like dreaming. And isn't it a sad thing to not dream?

I remember when I was in this abusive relationship: as the abuse became more frequent, the amount of dreaming lessened. As I became more accustomed to the person I'd been reduced to because of the abuse, I came to accept that any dreams I'd previously had or had any hope of having probably wouldn't come to fruition. In other words, it felt hopeless to dream. For quite some time, I didn't even want to dare to dream that I would be able to get out of this abusive relationship. Dreaming of the day I was no longer in this abusive relationship felt...silly. Stupid. Pointless. So, I put my head down and I did what I had to do to get through each and every day in that relationship. And when I finally did get out of the abusive relationship, I again did what I had to do to get through each day. See, when you have been emotionally abused, you come to question yourself, including the importance and capability of dreaming; it slowly becomes something that we push to the wayside.

But, for how long do we push this idea of dreaming to the wayside? When do we decide to prioritize that once again? Because while I can be understanding of the fact that dreaming felt futile and unnecessary for my survival back when I was in the trenches, I argue differently now. I think we all need to allow ourselves to dream. We need to dream unapologetically, and I think we need to dream long before we reach this hypothetical finish line of "being healed". If we wait to dream, then what are we running towards?

And that's the crux my friends: let's shift our perspective. Let's not run from the pain; let's run towards are dreams - whatever they are. Let your dreams change and evolve as time goes; let those dreams start small and evolve into something huge and magical. Just promise me that you won't stop dreaming. There's a certain vulnerability in allowing yourself to dream because we know that dreams don't always comes true. But guess what? Sometimes they do, and not always in the way we expect or in the timeline we would hope. Despite this, though, giving yourself the permission to dream is like giving yourself a present that has been withheld from you for so long.

Trauma thrives on sucking us into the past; it thrives on nightmares. You want to learn how to heal from the trauma? Allow yourself to dream in the present and for the future - you deserve that. You deserve to reap the benefits that come from permitting yourself to dream.

I'm a dreamer, and I'm not afraid to admit it anymore. What about you? Are you in?