Secret History

Perhaps the future scares me

Into a perpetually lonely existence

For I know that to be with you

I must acknowledge

That I was with him.

I must admit to things I'd rather not:

That I chose him when he didn't choose me,

That I persisted through his petulance,

That I held him when I hated him &

I can't stand that you

May look at me and see him

Or see the version of me that

I was with him.

I'm scared that I'll fail to prove to you

That what I did is not what I do.

I don't turn a blind eye,

I don't apologize when I cry.

I don't make an excuse

When he's blown a fuse.

These are the things I don't do -

Not now & not for a long time.

And yet...

I'm afraid his presence in my history

Will make you history

Before you can be my present.

---

An original poem written about the shame that can be felt when anticipating the first time you share the fact that you're an abuse survivor with a new partner. Have you ever felt this or something similar?