The Self-Aware Struggle is Real

How often do you walk through life (or, if you're a Wicked fan such as me, how often are you dancing through life?) without giving much thought to how you are showing up for yourself and for others? If you're anything like me, then it oftentimes feels much easier to do whatever your heart pleases in any given moment because it takes so much effort, so much energy, to be ever mindful of what you're saying, why you're saying it, & how it's perpetuating patterns you're trying to break.

As a therapist trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), I am "supposed" to sit here and lovingly blab on about the benefits of being mindful of our thoughts, emotions and behaviors. And while I do believe that the concept of mindfulness [defined as the practice of being observant and non-judgmental of our thoughts and feelings] is extremely helpful in understanding ourselves and being responsive to our own needs, I can't sit here and tell you that I don't struggle with it.

You see, being a therapist and an abuse survivor is weird. A good 'weird' because my experience allows me to have unique insights that I've come to find help my clients. Still, it's weird because on one hand, I know the therapeutic tools that will help get me out of my head when the anxiety and distrust in myself hits, and on the other hand, I ignore them - be it intentionally or unintentionally. As a survivor of abuse, I was hurt is such an unbelievable way - not once, not twice, but multiple times. And with every repeat instance of abuse, I became less observant of my own feelings and needs while simultaneously becoming more judgmental of myself. It felt way, way too threatening to stop and consider how I was feeling in response to the abuse that was happening…and that, friends, is called being in survival mode; shutting down “the feels” so you can get from one day to the next.

Fast-forward several years to present day: I’ve been out of this abusive relationship for close to 8 years, and I’m still working on this whole self-awareness thing, and stumbling along the way. By stumbling, I mean I still find myself shutting down my attention to red flags or wayward signs in favor of what it is that I want. I, like some of you (maybe?), spent years in a toxic relationship, all the while ignoring signs I should have been paying attention in hopes that a different outcome other than the inevitable one would occur…and now, I from time to time, that pattern repeats itself now - I’ll give you an example.

I had to go and develop a little bit of a crush on a dude (and I don’t care how old I am, or you are - we are all going to crush on someone at some point). There were definite signs that he wasn’t as interested in me as I was in him, but what did your girl do? She ignored those glaring signs because she didn’t want to believe them. But choosing not to believe the signs didn’t make him magically show interest in me. It just made me even more anxious when the narrative I’d created in my head didn’t align with the narrative that was happening in real-time.

Being so incredibly hurt by someone in the past can make us hold a little too tightly onto the idea of someone in the here and now. We can get sucked into this trap of (metaphorically) blindfolding ourselves to the truth of our situations and relationships because we so desperately want to believe that we’ll finally be chosen. Finally protected.

But then, because of this whole self-awareness business, I eventually snap back to reality and recognize the signs that have been flashing like neon lights in the night. While I might have previously judged myself for not attending to these signs earlier on, I choose to give myself compassion and gratitude. Compassion because I’m not perfect, and I’m not always going to make the absolute best decisions for myself. Gratitude because without these little stumbles - if that’s what we are going to call them - help me move towards becoming the person I want to be and finding the relationship I want & deserve.

With that, appreciate the self-awareness journey - all the ups and downs of it. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

I share my experiences in the hope that others see facets of their own reflected back to them, thereby seeing that they/you are not alone.