Trauma Fucked with My Intimacy

There's a question I ask throughout my book: Who am I? I'm quite certain it's a question that you all have asked yourselves at some point in this life. It may even be a question you're asking yourself right now. In fact, it's a question I ask myself most days. And here's the thing: I do know who I am. I just don't know who I am yet to become, and that's not something I am going to know...until I know. Scary, right? Right.

I'll tell you why that's so scary - or, at least why it's so scary for me (and, perhaps why it's so scary for you) at this point in my life where I am single and would very much like not to be. As we prepare to talk about who we are and who we are becoming, there are two things to consider here: how our personalities and self-concept develop as well as how trauma impacts that.

How many of you have heard of Erik Erikson? (I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't heard of him...unless you are in the field of Psychology, Social Work or something adjacent). Erikson is known for his Stages of Development, where he poses that every individual progresses through 8 stages of psychosocial development...in other words, how we learn to relate to ourselves and the world around us. I'm going to spare you all the nitty-gritty details of Erikson's whole theory, but I want to draw your attention to 2 particular stages:

1. Identity v. Confusion that occurs between 12 y/o-18 y/o: In this stage, we strive to develop a greater sense of identity, and this can be stunted (leading to confusion about our identity) or empowered (leading to confidence in who we are) by biopsychosocial factors around us.

   
   

2. Intimacy v. Isolation that occurs between 19 y/o-29 y/o: In this stage, we aim to establish intimacy within our relationships, but similar to the other stage, if we feel unsafe in the attempt to establish intimacy it can lead to isolation versus the development of security in intimacy if surrounded by or immersed in healthy relationships.

So, now throw trauma into the mix. When trauma occurs, no matter the age, it rewires our brains, meaning it affects our decision-making, our perceptions of threat(s), our ability to retain old and new information, our self-esteem...the list goes on. Going back a few paces: if trauma occurs when someone is between 12-18 y/o, they might have a harder time developing a confidence in who they are and how they show up. If trauma occurs when someone is between 19-29 y/o....well, you guessed it: they're probably going to struggle with feeling safe and secure with forms of intimacy.

I bet you can guess where I'm going with this. Wanna take a guess what age I was when the trauma of abuse began? I'll tell ya: I was 23 y/o, and I got out of this abusive relationship when I was 26 y/o. Let's just say that my comfort level with intimacy got real fucking warped. I sometimes wonder: if I hadn't gone through the trauma of the abuse, where would I be? How much more liberated would I feel when it comes to be sensuality?

I'm going to be so vulnerable here and say something. I know, without a single doubt in my mind, that sensuality is something beautiful and there is nothing - NOTHING - that's dirty about it. But. The scar tissue of the trauma tries to convince me day in and day out that there is something dirty, something inherently wrong, with being free in expressing my sensuality. While I may be over 8 years out of an abusive relationship, that scar tissue still lingers. So again - who am I becoming as this scar tissue continues to mend itself? And similarly: who are you becoming amidst all this scar tissue?

Before this abusive relationship, I didn't have a clear idea of what intimacy meant to me. Throughout the abusive relationship, intimacy was only ever a thing that we did - that's what it felt like, at least. Perhaps it didn't start off that way, but as the physical and emotional abuse endured, so too did I during these intimate moments. I endured. I didn't enjoy; I didn't explore; I didn't desire. I didn't feel comfortable, nor did I feel safe. Now, I'm finally at a point of wanting to enjoy, explore and desire; I know that these are things that are important to me, but I haven't had the space or opportunities to act on these things because of the scar tissue that was holding me back.

Tell me - is that something you've experienced, too?

As I move towards who I am to become I can only hope that I find or create the space to explore and embrace these pieces of me. I can only hope that if you see yourself reflected throughout this that you, too, open yourself up to intimacy in whatever way you feel comfortable. As I continue to explore these depths of myself, it feels empowering to view myself as an intimate person and while I might suggest the same could be true for you, I don't want to make assumptions.

So, I'll say this: take a moment to contemplate what your relationship is with intimacy.

• How has it changed throughout your life and your experiences?

• Are you confident in the vulnerability that comes with intimacy?

• Do you hide this piece of yourself from the world?

And finally: will you allow yourself to become the next version of yourself? Will you allow yourself to be curious? To be sensual? To be all the things you were too afraid to be - perhaps, were not allowed to be - in the past?